Thoughts While Lying Awake at 4:30 a.m. in the Middle of a Hormonal Sweat

“Has my husband always snored like that?”

 “When was the last time these sheets were changed?”

“Why does it sound like there’s a semi-trailer idling in my kitchen?”

“Is that my new French door refrigerator? The one that was supposed to make my life better with its space for party platters that I will never use because I am too tired to throw parties.”

“Is it too late to get my old refrigerator back?”

“I shouldn’t have spent so much on those boots.”

“Is there any business opportunity that involves miniature horses and hats that would generate enough income to cover the mortgage payments?”

“I seriously needed those boots.”

“Is it normal to wake up every night at 4:30 a.m. sweating, or do I have some kind of disease that will leave my family devastated by my untimely death, not knowing where to find the passwords to all the accounts, and wondering how to use the washing machine?”

“The snoring stopped. Is he still breathing?”

“Is it too early in the season to start wearing white pants?”

“Am I creating cleavage wrinkles by lying on my side?”

“Why can’t I be a back sleeper?”

“Those boots will last the rest of my life. Cost averaged, they’re essentially free.” 

“Tomorrow, yoga.”

“I hope I have that dream where I keep finding kittens in all the cupboards and closets again.”

“What if that kitten dream is telling me I am too soft and need to toughen up?”

“Were they actually kittens, or were they ferrets?”

 “Why would my subconscious be serving up swarms of ferrets?”

“What is a group of ferrets called? A pack? A gaggle? A murder?”

“Why do people keep ferrets as pets?”

 “I need to cut down my wine consumption.”

 “Are ferrets related to weasels?”

 “I think we’re out of eggs.”

 “Incubus. Succubus. What’s the difference?”

 “Did I pay the mortgage?”

 “Maybe I should just get up and work on a blog post.”